Author Topic: Clean Joke Thread  (Read 7696 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

joegtheog

  • Guest
Clean Joke Thread
« on: March 19, 2009, 02:27:40 PM »
What did the zero say to the eight?

"Nice belt."



A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"



Where does a king keep his armies?

In his sleevies.


Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he's a fungi (fun guy).  why did he leave? Because there wasn't mushroom (much room).




Offline Nielsen

  • Drowning Man/Woman
  • ***
  • Posts: 22,839
  • The Edge is on fire
Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2009, 02:29:53 PM »
"My 2 year old son knows 2 words: Car and map. If his next word is passport then I'm worried he's trying to escape."

Offline edgecentric

  • Refugee
  • *
  • Posts: 227
  • Some days have bouncers and won't let you in
Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2009, 03:07:46 PM »
Clean jokes! That means I can bring out my puns! Are you ready?

1. Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic drunk walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you!” says Dolly.
“It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank…proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them
to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him…..

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least a couple of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Offline Discotheque Girl

  • Drowning Man/Woman
  • ***
  • Posts: 21,669
  • You break and enter my imagination
Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2009, 03:14:48 PM »
hahahhahahah... ;D  ;D

(You've probably heard this one...)
Two students are walking down the street,and one says to the other:
"Are we going to disco or go to class?"
The other says:
"I know!We will flip a coin,and if it stays in air,we are going to class!"

Offline ProofThatThisIsReal

  • Party Girl/Boy
  • **
  • Posts: 649
  • That's no moon...
Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2009, 03:30:21 PM »
 :D :D :D :D
Awesome thread!

Which is about to be ruined by a completely stupid joke....


Two muffins are in a toaster oven.
One muffin says to the other, "is it hot in here to you?"
The other muffin says, "Oh my gosh, a talking muffin!!!!!"


...I've done my damage....

joegtheog

  • Guest
Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2009, 03:40:14 PM »
You are not allowed to view links. Register or Login
:D :D :D :D
Awesome thread!

Which is about to be ruined by a completely stupid joke....


Two muffins are in a toaster oven.
One muffin says to the other, "is it hot in here to you?"
The other muffin says, "Oh my gosh, a talking muffin!!!!!"


...I've done my damage....


I love that joke!


What do you call a recreation area for giraffes?

Giraffic Park.

What do you call a group of giraffes all tangled together?

A giraffic jam.

Offline julesport

  • Holy Joe
  • ***
  • Posts: 16,173
  • Free yourself to be yourself...
Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2009, 08:40:09 PM »
THanks for the jokes............ ;D

Sorry, I have none to share!

shockdocta22

  • Guest
Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2009, 08:40:48 PM »
The blonde one Juls... ;)


Why arent elephants allowed on the beach?

They cant keep there "trunks" up

Offline R3dLight [<33s TJ]

  • Elevated
  • ***
  • Posts: 3,810
  • Plant a demon seed, you raise a flower of fire
Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2009, 06:28:53 AM »
My Computer beat me at chess...

...but it was no match for me at kick boxing

 :D :D :D

Offline u2yooper

  • Airborne Ranger
  • ***
  • Posts: 7,978
  • Life should be fragrant- rooftop to the basement
Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2009, 07:04:51 AM »
i have nothing to contribute.  Just thought I'd let you all know that you're cracking me up!   :D

Offline julesport

  • Holy Joe
  • ***
  • Posts: 16,173
  • Free yourself to be yourself...
Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2009, 10:30:02 AM »
Okay Shock I'll share my blonde joke - I'm a blonde and this one cracks me up. Well, actually it is the only joke I can remember :D

4 blondes decide to go to Disney World for Spring Break

They notice a sign that says Disney World left

So they went home

 ;D ;D

Offline Discotheque Girl

  • Drowning Man/Woman
  • ***
  • Posts: 21,669
  • You break and enter my imagination
Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2009, 10:56:17 AM »
I'm blonde too,but here is one about blondes...

Why does blonde keep her wallet on TV?


To keep the TV schedule richer!

Offline excavation

  • Elevated
  • ***
  • Posts: 4,034
Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #12 on: March 20, 2009, 02:24:32 PM »
How about this one, from our man Bono himself:

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
Spent his whole life praying to Santa.

Offline edgecentric

  • Refugee
  • *
  • Posts: 227
  • Some days have bouncers and won't let you in
Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #13 on: March 20, 2009, 06:13:52 PM »
You are not allowed to view links. Register or Login
How about this one, from our man Bono himself:

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
Spent his whole life praying to Santa.

 :D That's the perfect companion joke to the dyslexic agnostic insomniac one! (He stayed awake all night wondering if there was a dog.)

I have a blonde joke:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and  help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
 
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
 
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
 
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
 
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
 
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
 
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ....." he said with a deep sigh,

"...Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


Offline julesport

  • Holy Joe
  • ***
  • Posts: 16,173
  • Free yourself to be yourself...
Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #14 on: March 20, 2009, 08:07:29 PM »
Edgecentric..........I think that was the funniest blonde joke ever!! Thanks for the laugh!!