Author Topic: Clean Joke Thread  (Read 7687 times)

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Offline excavation

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Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #30 on: March 22, 2009, 06:54:39 PM »
^^^ *groans* ^^^

One day when the pope was working in the Vatican, a cardinal came up to him, all excited. 
"Your Holiness, something truely incredible has happened!"  the cardinal gasped.
"What is it, my son?" asks the pope.
"Do you want the good news or the bad news first?" asks the cardinal.
"I am always ready to hear the good news.  Tell this to me first," answers the pope.
"Well, your Holiness, the good news is that Jesus is here, on earth, right now.  It's the Second Coming!  He's on the phone and wants to talk to you," said the cardinal.
The pope, of course is very happy to hear this news.  "He's here, right now?  Praise to God, that is the BEST news, and it happened during my papacy!" the pope said excitedly.  "But after that, what news could possibly be bad news?"
The cardinal looks at the floor and answers, "The bad news, your Holiness, is that He's calling from Salt Lake City."

OK, I told that badly, but you get the point...

Offline A_Fly_On_The_Wall

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Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #31 on: October 20, 2011, 07:27:02 PM »
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

How To Wash The Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Offline Midnight is Where the Day Begins

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Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #32 on: October 20, 2011, 08:27:28 PM »
In a recent survey, 9 out of 10 Americans believe that out of 10 people 1 American will disagree with the other 9.

A noted archaeologist, Fred Flintstein, made an amazing discovery today in Sweden. On a wind swept field he came across some primitive musical instruments plus some minuscule deposits of fossilized stool. When asked what the stool could be, Flintstein replied, "A dab a abba doo"

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer dead found dead at 53. Over Barcelona today the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

Famous playboy Hugh Hefner managed to stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall which was outside the playboy mansion, where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, "Well if it was anyone else we would have gotten away with it. But unfortunately only Hugh can put out florist friars."

Convicted hitman, Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClardy, confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field with only two small porcelain figures. Police admit that this may be the first known case of a nick nack patty wack.

The Great Jamboni, eccentric human cannonball, known for taking his lucky donkey to all his performances, escaped near tragedy today when the donkey climbed into the cannon muzzle just as Jamboni was taking off. It took the surgeons three hours to remove Jamboni's head from his A$$.  :D


Offline AchtungPiano

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Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #33 on: October 20, 2011, 10:47:47 PM »
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

it was dead.

Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?

it was also dead.

Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?

it was stapled to the 2nd monkey.

Why did the 4th monkey fall out of the tree?

peer pressure.  ;)

Offline EnduringChill

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Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #34 on: October 21, 2011, 09:52:30 PM »
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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

it was dead.

Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?

it was also dead.

Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?

it was stapled to the 2nd monkey.

Why did the 4th monkey fall out of the tree?

peer pressure.  ;)
YES!

Middy, those are terrible :D

Offline AchtungPiano

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Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #35 on: October 21, 2011, 10:27:05 PM »
here's a nerd one.

a man walks into a bar. he asks the bartender for some H2O. the man next to him says I'll have some H2O too!

THAT MAN DIED.

Offline A_Fly_On_The_Wall

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Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #36 on: August 08, 2012, 08:05:40 AM »
A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad and worse news".

"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live".

"That's terrible", said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday".

Offline A_Fly_On_The_Wall

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Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #37 on: August 08, 2012, 08:06:17 AM »
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugeed by a gang of snails.

A police detective came to investigate an asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied: "I don't know, it all happened so fast".

Offline A_Fly_On_The_Wall

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Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #38 on: August 08, 2012, 08:09:56 AM »
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me".

The man replies: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you".

Offline Snowmoon

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Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #39 on: August 08, 2012, 08:11:29 AM »
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me".

The man replies: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you".

ROFL (not)  :)

Offline A_Fly_On_The_Wall

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Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #40 on: August 08, 2012, 08:14:05 AM »
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I've ever seen. You truly are a kind man". The man replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years".

Offline Snowmoon

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Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #41 on: August 08, 2012, 08:16:00 AM »
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I've ever seen. You truly are a kind man". The man replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years".
That's not funny.  That will be my story, I have no doubt!  Of course mine would not stop mid-swing.  ;D

Offline A_Fly_On_The_Wall

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Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #42 on: August 08, 2012, 08:17:43 AM »
What do you expect when the thread title is clean joke thread??  ::)

Offline EnduringChill

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Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #43 on: August 08, 2012, 08:22:58 AM »
This is the worst joke I have ever heard, and probably the longest. I heard a variation of it, and this was the closest I could find on the Internet...

There is a Cheerios box, and inside of this Cheerios box there is three levels of the Cheerio Society. The top of the box if filled with the rich and ritzy Cheerios who have the most scrumptious meals and the most fantastic houses. The middle of the box if filled with the average-class Cheerios with an average life, average house, average family. The bottom of the box is filled with the crumby Cheerios, with gang violence and crime in the neighborhoods.

So, one day, a sad, poor Cheerio decided he wanted to end his life of being at the bottom of the box. His life was rediculous and he wanted to end it. He marched right up to the Average level of the box and went inside of an average resturant. The average waiter said “Hey! You’re a poor Cheerio! You’re not allowed in here!" And with that, he kicked him out.

Discouraged, he returned home to the lower levels. That night, he snuck up and found an average, abandoned home, and moved into it. The next day, he lived his average life. His job was average, his house and family were average, everything was average. After about a week or so, he started hearing the joyous sounds of the rich Cheerios eating their rich meals and bathing in their rich pools. He decided he needed to end this average life, and become rich.

He walked up to the Rich levels, and said down in a rich, 5 star resturant. The rich waiter said “Sir, you cannot dine here! Average Cheerios are not allowed!" And with that, he kicked him out. Discouraged, he returned home to his average house. That night, he snuck into the upper levels and found a rich house of which the owner had recently passed away. After bringing his stuff up, he moved in.

The rich life was fantastic. His job paid well, he had big screen TVs, a pool, and a huge house. The morning after he moved in, he went to breakfast. The rich waiter said “Good morning, sir. What would you like to eat?" “Well, what do you have?" replied our Cheerio. “On our menu, we have an omlette, made with vegetables straight from our garden, and the egg of finest hen! Would you enjoy that?" asked the waiter. “No, thank you. What else is there?" “Well, we have the freshest fruit straight off of the vine, picked this morning, actually. Would you enjoy that?" “No, thank you, what else is there?" “We also have the best blueberry pancakes you have ever eaten. Homemade, hot off the griddle. Would you enjoy that?" “Yes, please, I’ll have the pancakes," replied the hungry Cheerio. “Of course, sir. Just step into the Pancake line and enjoy your breakfast!" And with that, the waiter took off, and the Cheerio went into line to order his delicious pancakes.

At dinnertime, the Cheerio came back. The waiter, once again, came up and asked him what he would like to eat for dinner. “What is there to eat?" Asked the Cheerio. “Well, we have the finest steak. Crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. It’s delicious. Would you like that?" “No thank you, what else is there?" “Well, we have the best pizza you have ever eaten, with ingredients imported straight from Italy. Would you like that?" “Yes! I would love to have some pizza," replied the hungry Cheerio. “Of course, sir. Just step into the Pizza line and enjoy your dinner!" And with that, the waiter took off, and the Cheerio went in line to order his amazing pizza.

As he was eating, the waiter came over again. “Is there anything you would like to drink, sir?" asked the waiter. “Yes, what do you have?" “Well, we have a pitcher of the purest, clearest mineral water. Would you like that?" “No, thank you. What else is there?" “Well, we have a tasty mix of Cola and Pepsi. It’s quite delicious. Would you like that?" “No, thank you. What else is there?" “Well, we have the sweetest Fruit Punch you have ever had. It’s so tangy, and it’s amazing. Would you like that?" “Yes, please, I’ll have the Fruit Punch. Where might the line be?"





“Well, sir, there is no punch-line."


...*rimshot*

Offline A_Fly_On_The_Wall

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Re: Clean Joke Thread
« Reply #44 on: August 08, 2012, 08:23:32 AM »
Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A. To stamp out fires.

Q. Why do elephants have flat feet?
A. To stamp out burning ducks.