Author Topic: Captain's log.....5 days to go. The 5 Stages of Grief  (Read 731 times)

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Offline NOLA Fly

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Captain's log.....5 days to go. The 5 Stages of Grief
« on: February 25, 2009, 08:52:49 PM »
Captainís Log,  Wednesday, February 25, 2009.  10:00 p.m.  New Orleans, Louisiana.

Tom Petty once said that the waiting is the hardest part.  Tom wasnít playing around.  Having my wisdom teeth pulled wasnít as excruciating as waiting for March 3rd.  So, in order to help future generations through this agonizing process, Iíve decided to outline the 5 stages of grief associated with waiting for a new U2 album. 

The drill will go a little something like this.  The band puts out the news that they will be releasing an album on such and such date.   Then, the band retracts that date and issues another later date because of blah, blah, blah.  Slowly, details start to trickle in:  track names, album cover, early reviews.  No worries at this point, as no one is able to actually hear the music yet except a few music critics.  And who cares what music critics think?  Oh, really, itís better than Pop, but not as good as Achtung Baby?  You know, I think youíre the first one to make those comparisons.  No, really, good job.  It doesnít sound at all like youíre just piggybacking on what every other lazy rock journalist with his head up his own you-know-what has said for the last decade.  Tell me, do you pick up your paycheck with a ski mask? 

Anyway, then comes the first single.  Again, no worries, as the first single is fair game for everyone and is meant to give an indication of what the album will sound like.  The single will be met initially with something between apathy and outright disdain.  However, with time, and after hearing it in the context of the whole album, it will grow on people, increase in stature, kill at concerts, and subsequently be put on a greatest hits album.  Donít fight this process; just roll with it.  Then as the album release date draws nearer, false rumblings of leaks will surface and be disproved numerous times.  But then it happens:  the real thing.  This is not a drill, soldier, the leak has hit the fan and now itís everywhere.  Itís go time.  What are you going to do?  Are you going to cave in like a little girl?  Oh, most of you are?  Really?  Uh, okayÖIíve got to say I wasnít really prepared for that. 

Okay, pull it together, pull it together.  Anyway, for the few of you who have some backbone and arenít afraid to use it, hereís what you need to know about the emotional struggle you will go through in the coming days.  Take these words to heart so that you donít wind up babbling incoherently while the men in white coats take you to your new padded ďspecialĒ room.

1.)  Denial and Isolation.  Immediately after the real leak occurs, you will be in denial, first, that itís real because other rumors of leaks have proven false.  The doubts are quickly dispelled, however, when every U2 fan and their mom begins posting their own review of the album on the forum.  Secondly, after it is apparent that the leak is real, you will be in denial that other people are getting to listen to it and you are not.  You will begin to isolate yourself from U2 related news and forums as well as friends who are also fans of the band.  This stage passes rather quickly because, letís face it, you canít stay away for long.  Youíre an obsessive geek just like the rest of us.

2.)  Anger.  After you have accepted that the leak is real and that everyone else who doesnít live under a rock is listening to it, you will become angry; angry at the person or group that leaked it, angry at your fellow U2 fans who are listening to it and talking about it while you are not.  Once you have vented about the situation to your wife (or husband or whatever the case may be) to the point where she tells you to get a life because sheís starting to love you a little less, and you have sufficiently tire-ironed the large stuffed teddy bear thatís in your house that you still have no idea how it got there, you start to move past anger.  This is a good thing because, frankly, it takes too much out of you to stay angry, anyway.

3.)  Bargaining.  Once the anger has passed, you will start to try to make bargains with God.  It will go something like this:  ďGod, if you will just let the album be released early, Iíll (insert whatever promise you think offsets this divine intervention).  But hereís the thing about bargaining:  Godís more interested in building character than you getting your immediate desires met.  Heíll just remind you that good things come to those who wait.  Plus, Heís God, Heís already heard the album.  He knew what it would sound like before the band even started recording it.  Heís that good.  So, no sympathy there.

4.)  Depression.  After you figure out that your lame attempt at bargaining with the Almighty is going to get you nowhere, you will go into a depression.  You will feel numb to the world around you and a touch of anger or sadness might remain just beneath the surface.  Food wonít taste as good, the sky wonít look as blue, destroying the PlayStation computer in Madden 09 on the easiest setting wonít give you the same feeling of empowerment.  Heck, even your favorite U2 songs wonít give you the same lift.  But if you hang in there long enough, and keep the U2 section of your iTunes on repeat, eventually the darkness will pass, your senses will return, and youíll move on to the last stage of the process.

5.)  Acceptance.   A this point, the anger and sadness have subsided and your depression is moving farther into the distance behind you.  Now you are able to accept the fact that you will have to wait to enjoy the album on release day.  And, deep down, you know that thatís the best decision for you and the experience will be all the better for it.  You and reality are finally at peace and you can move on.

Well, now you know what to expect the next time you find yourself in this situation, and knowing is half the battle (youíre welcome, G.I. Joe fans).  I hope that you have found this information helpfulÖ.Excuse me, the devil whoís usually on my left shoulder, who I introduced you to a few nights ago, wants to tell me something.  (He whispers in my ear) What?  No, it canít be.  Youíre pulling my chain.  Thereís no way itís already on the shelves in Australia.  Iíll look it up for myself.  (I check the forum).   YOUíVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!    OH, THIS IS BULL$&@%!!!!!!!  GREAT, NOW I HAVE TO START THE WHOLE &%$@#*% PROCESS OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!   AGGHHHHHH!!!!    WHEREíS MY TIRE IRON?!!!!!!   ITíS GO TIME, BEAR!!!!!  THIS WEEKíS FORECAST, 5 DAYS OF PAIN!!!!!!!!!  TOM PETTY CAN KISS MY @$&!!!!!!!!

NOLA FLY!!!!!!!
« Last Edit: February 26, 2009, 10:13:50 PM by NOLA Fly »