Author Topic: Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.  (Read 1612 times)

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Offline zeeTV

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Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.
« on: October 28, 2015, 08:04:55 AM »
Haven't really been on the site for some time, last Monday My uncle, Mr Smiles, died in my dad's arms. They were playing squash, when he went to take a drink of water, he then looked up at my father (who was his best friend) and smiled peacefully, before collapsing from a Myocardial infarction. He couldn't be revived, and since then the world is just dark, as myself and my family chart into uncharted waters.

I had to make the dreaded phone call to his daughter, to tell her that he collapsed, then had to destroy her entire world, by telling her, he had left us... I will never forget that bloody curdling scream or the weeping and agonizing cries of my dad as he wept in my mother's arms, saying that "I couldn't save him, I couldn't save him".

MY uncle he an Eagle, he absolutely lived life to the absolute fullest, he lived for fitness and good health, he never failed to make anyone smile, or to make them feel they are the most beautiful person in the entire world. He was creative, and flamboyant, and so damn loyal, he was only 51. Seeing him, wrapped in white, in a coffin, looking at HIM without him giving me that cheeky smile that he always gave was the most devastating thing, and seeing him get lowered to the ground with nothing but dirt and rubble was the MOST humbling experience....

I have just gathered the strength to do the things I love again, and the first thing I did was listen to the song October.. 19th October.. forever scarred in our memories..

October
_________________________
October 19th 2015.
_________________________
And the trees are stripped bare
Of all they wear
What do I care
___________________________
Part of our souls were taken from us, our emotions became what people thought of us, we had nothing but tears for days. My uncle was stripped of everything he loved in life, and he was left with nothing but a pure white cloth wrapped around him, surrounded by dirt and rubble. What do I care about this life anymore I began to wonder, when this is what will become of us?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
October
And kingdoms rise
And kingdoms fall
But you go on...and on...
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
This month started so damn brightly, I had finally been on the home stretch to finishing my degree, and got accepted into a Graduate program at my first choice hospital, I was the star of the family, the air seemed fresher, my relationship with my dad was at its peak, everything seemed so damn brighter...
then October 19th came, and our souls were destroyed, he was gone, he died in my dads arms, our family had fallen, we had lost Mr Smiles, we had lost our brother, our uncle, our friend.. we had lost our Acrobat. We felt like we had nothing to go on.
But, alas, as he was laid to rest, and as we prayed on his soul, he began to send messages to us, like come to our dreams, like the fact that whenever I would look up to the sky, the shiniest star would stare back at me, or like the other night - I was sitting out on an overcast night when I began to think of him, suddenly the moon began to shine through, and within seconds, it came out to the forefront of my eyes, and shone so deeply over me. ... he came out so say hello, to tell me he was alright, comfort me, comfort me uncle.. the glow of the moon had comforted me.



Offline zeeTV

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Re: Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2015, 08:30:19 AM »
Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
_____________________
Those are the damn questions I asked my dad the hrs/minutes/days following my uncle's death.. I wanted him to comfort, I wanted that look of utter devastation to be gone, I wanted my worst fears to be quelled.
_____________________
Will it make it easier on you
Now you got someone to blame
______________________
I wanted my dad to get angry, to go crazy at the squash centre that didn't have certified first aiders, or a damn defibrillation machine, or hold the Ambulance service responsible for being 25 mins too effing late, or just the fact that everything in universe went against my uncle that day... I wanted him to get damn angry so he would stop pointing the finger at himself.
__________________________________________________________
You say
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
____________________________________________________________
My extended family ... we have always been broken, he said, she said, he did this, she did that.. so full of judgement ... they at times neglected my uncle for being who he was, but when it came to be, that horrid Monday night, and the three nights of mourning which followed, everyone of them dropped their guards and became ONE.. there one need was to grieve and it came collectively and peacefully. Every damn night.
_________________________________________________________________________
It's one love
We get to share it
It leaves you baby
If you don't care for it
___________________________________________________________________________
There was one overriding feeling amongst us all... grief and regret. We all shared it around, explaining what we would of done differently, or what we would have said had we known. Where was that Unity when he was still with us?
______________________________________________________________________________
Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
________________________________________________________________________
The Questions that ravaged all his brothers and sisters mouth, they would turn back to the tiniest things and lay blame, saying if we didn't say this, or make that call, that he would still be with us right. Their faces were all muted and united in one look of horror and grief, if an outsider who didn't know what the hell was going on saw this, they would think we were unattached robots, we were empty .. we were all wanting each other to feel like utter garbage, we all wanted eachother to feel that guilt of not doing enough...
____________________________________________________________________________
Well it's too late
Tonight
To drag the past out
Into the light
________________________________________________________________________________
THINKING LIKE THIS .. ISNT GONNA BRING HIM BACK.
Yes you could've been better f****G siblings to him, but what use is that of him now.
Then there was that other brother that was talking ill about his brother, HE ISNT THERE TO DEFEND HIMSELF ANYMORE.. how dare you bring that into the spotlight. When all he needs from us is prayers, and love. ... prayers and love people.
___________________________________________________________________________________
We're one
But we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
One
___________________________________________________________________________________
Were all under the same surname
But As I looked around the room at each aunt, at each uncle, at each offspring... we all are so different in nature and personality, we are all such genuinely nice people, that loved him, and I had to put my damn grief aside to hold up my aunties who were so weak from grief, they could barely function, at times when I wanted to burst our crying .. I couldn't because seeing my dad was killing me inside, I could only imagine how it would feel if he saw me hurting like this..
We have to hold eachother and ride this damn wave together. We got to be the family he wanted us to be, and live on as one .. the way he always wanted it to be. _________________________________________________________________________________________
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
___________________________________________________________________
People were at his grave begging for forgiveness for abandoning him, for not being what they should've been
Some people were screaming to god to bring him back to us, or saying this was a nightmare test to see how much we loved ad cared for him
Others sat there and tried to preach their beliefs to the masses, when this beautiful man never preached but had a relationship with his god in his heart and soul, not in his mouth and appearance.
____________________________________________________________________
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
_____________________________________________________________
Again... questions that came up, questions which were directed to god... was there wants and needs the thing that took their brothers away from them, they felt that god took away the one thing they cherished most ... and all they have left .. is that empty feeling of grief/shock/anger
_________________________________________________________________
We're one
But we're not the same
We hurt each other
Then we do it again
____________________________________________________________
For years, my unique and beautiful family, have for some stupid reason forgot the meaning of family, and just by sheer nature hurt eachother, and distanced themselves from eachother... for WHAT... God knows.
It was cycle.. united family .. broken family... united family... broken family
__________________________________________________________________
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
____________________________________________
All I am going to say is that ... All We need is love. Its the higher existence that will get us through this damn misery ..
____________________________________________
You ask me to enter
But then you made me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
_______________________________________________
God asked us to enter his holy walls... to mourn our lost one
But we didn't enter at our free will...
but that humbled us to realise that if we keep going down this path of disunity then every death in the family is going to be tainted with regret ... which will override the complete sadness of loss.
___________________________________________________
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
_________________________________________________
We all came from the same being
but our sheer pride gets in the way of the love we have for eachother
We have this one window of opportunity, one short span of life...
we have to f****** make it count, live the way he lived, so messing with eachother and JUST LET US BE.
______________________________________________________
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
______________________________________________________
God made us  damn family for a reason, lets embrace, and let it be
________________________________________________________
One life
But we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
______________________________________________________
As we saw last Monday .. this life is so damn short, so damn precious...
We may not have the same ideas, and beliefs at times... the only way to get through this is through the deep love we have for eachother... the light is near, we need to take eachothers hands and just go into the light.
______________________________________________________
One
d'you here me coming lord?
 d'you here me call?
__________________________________________________
As One we would ask god if he received our prayers for our lost one...
__________________________________________________
d'you here me knocking lord?
Knocking at your door
 d'you here me coming lord?
 d'you here me call?
d'you here me scratching?
will you make me crawl
_________________________________________________
In unity, we would prayer, and ask god for mercy on his soul..
we wonder... were our prayers received, is his soul at rest,
does he hear our relentless cries, and grief
God do you hear our prayers
God is he oK?
Have you forgiven his soul...
Is he part of your angels in heaven...
We await for your response...
_____________________________________


One

_____________
Its that damn simple. We love as One, we grieve as One, we smile as one. For you .. always Uncle Mick x

Forever Young !!

Offline summerrain

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Re: Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2015, 10:04:43 AM »
I'm sorry for your loss  :(


Offline buckeyebonogirl

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Re: Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.
« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2015, 11:34:02 AM »
I am very sorry for your loss and hope you and your family can find peace.

Offline jabw10

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Re: Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2015, 02:05:07 PM »
I'm so sorry for the loss of your uncle! Hugs & prayers for healing, strength, & peace...

Offline KenpoMatt

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Re: Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.
« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2015, 11:10:36 PM »
Thoughts go out to your family.

Offline dan

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Re: Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.
« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2015, 02:45:30 PM »
Sorry for your loss as well.

As we are all U2 fans here, hope their music gives you comfort at this difficult time for your family.

Offline imedi

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Re: Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.
« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2015, 04:32:54 PM »
good god only 51 ,,,,,,,,,,may he rest in peace sorry for your loss zee

Offline lorijane

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Re: Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.
« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2015, 04:35:49 PM »
Thoughts and prayers for you and your family

Offline miryclay

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Re: Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.
« Reply #9 on: October 29, 2015, 04:50:38 PM »
Zee, thanks for sharing your thoughtful post. I am sorry for your loss and encourage to live on and honour his passing.

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Re: Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.
« Reply #10 on: November 01, 2015, 03:50:58 AM »
Sorry for your loss Zee. There seems to be so many people leaving us this past few weeks. three weeks ago, my freinds lost her daughter, the following week, my freind died suddenly, and then the day after we say goodbye to him (friday), my freinds dad died. My freind who lost his dad, is supposed to be coming to both glasgow u2 shows this coming weekend...so i dont know whats going to happen there.
But Zee, take comfort, if you can, in the fact, that it sounds like he packed a lot into his time here. And also he was with the people he loved when he passed. I know its hard just now, but in time, once the pain eases, take comfort from the fact that he probably went in the best possible way...quickly and with people he loved. I really dont want to leave this world, but when i do, i would prefer to go that way, than a long battle with pain and illness. I went thro that with my mum and it was so painfull to go thro...and now, Im going thro it all again with my dad. It takes such a toll on everyone. Keep strong Zee

Offline tom_b1807

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Re: Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.
« Reply #11 on: November 01, 2015, 05:12:04 AM »
Glad you could find in the comfort of U2 songs - that is truly what makes them great.
Thoughts go out to you and your family.

Offline kango

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Re: Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.
« Reply #12 on: November 01, 2015, 06:01:00 AM »
Thoughts with everyone struggling with personal losses.

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Sorry for your loss Zee. There seems to be so many people leaving us this past few weeks. three weeks ago, my freinds lost her daughter, the following week, my freind died suddenly, and then the day after we say goodbye to him (friday), my freinds dad died. My freind who lost his dad, is supposed to be coming to both glasgow u2 shows this coming weekend...so i dont know whats going to happen there.
But Zee, take comfort, if you can, in the fact, that it sounds like he packed a lot into his time here. And also he was with the people he loved when he passed. I know its hard just now, but in time, once the pain eases, take comfort from the fact that he probably went in the best possible way...quickly and with people he loved. I really dont want to leave this world, but when i do, i would prefer to go that way, than a long battle with pain and illness. I went thro that with my mum and it was so painfull to go thro...and now, Im going thro it all again with my dad. It takes such a toll on everyone. Keep strong Zee

Hope he makes the leap and goes with you. Of course we all react differently but to me there is no more healing place than a U2 gig.

Offline Belisama

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Re: Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.
« Reply #13 on: November 01, 2015, 06:08:32 AM »
Zee, so sorry for your family's loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope you find solace here and in U2.

I know this is a bit soon, but the best way you can honor your uncle is to continue to be that star in your family.  You will no doubt feel a huge burden-- I am sure you already do. But remember that your family is not only depending upon you, but also they are there to support you. As are those of us on the forum.  Do what you have to do to nourish your heart and soul, but also remember the path you are on. There will be light again.


Who's to say where the wind will take you
 Who's to say what it is will break you
 I don't know which way the wind will blow
 Who's to know when the time has come around
 Don't wanna see you cry
 I know this is not goodbye

Offline Volcanogirl

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Re: Like a Song(s) - Roughest Week of My Life.
« Reply #14 on: November 01, 2015, 06:10:24 AM »
Sorry for your loss Zee, the pain never really goes away. In 2012 i lost my mother. A strong woman who always took care of others. It's so horrible. I think of her a lot. She got verry sick.
I hope that the music and lyrics lift some weight of your shoulders. Be strong Zee .... peace and love to your family.